Somewhere between the most awaited
Bobby George
and the most dreaded,
The most celebrated
and the most mourned,
Somewhere between birth and death—
Lies the most abused…
Life.
Trapped.
IT WAS AUTUMN of the early nineties. I remember still. I was sitting in a small waiting lounge for my interview. I wanted to give myself a timely start in life so I could live a life of independence. Independence may have many connotations, but I had mine firmly fixed, or so I thought, until much later.
I was anxious and unsure about that first job interview in my life. Trying to shift my focus from my anxiety, I started looking around the room. It wasn’t much, but a plain rectangular hall. A tiny counter with a couple of old-fashioned phones stood at the entrance for the receptionist. We (Many other job seekers, some looked seasoned hunters and at ease, but most at tenterhooks) sat on the sofas for the visitors placed along the opposite walls, under big combination windows. The off-white net curtains let the sunlight dissipate the glum air inside the hall. Smaller sidewalls had built-in wooden cupboards displaying silver cups, memorabilia, and shields of merit bespoke of academic and sports authority. There was nothing prominent in the plain setting of the hall.
Tired of the game of mentally mapping the room, I glanced up. There it was! An enormous trophy head of a Sambar Deer, high above on the smaller sidewall to my right. It seemed to grow out of the wall through the polished wooden frame. Although its golden-brown coat was a little dusty, it looked magnificent and stately. I was sure it must have been a fine-looking animal a long time ago… when alive. I gazed at it admiringly. Curiously, though, I found it staring back at me with its big black eyes, almost as if trying to speak to me. I immediately averted my gaze, shocked for no apparent reason.
The nervous tic began bothering me again, and my palms and feet sweated profusely. I clenched my fist under my file and started praying desperately for the job. I wanted God to do a miracle. I could never qualify on my merits alone. In fact, I thought I had none. Even so, I wanted it somehow.
Barely into adulthood, it was my first attempt to tread in the world of dreams, aspirations, and fulfilments. It was the beginning of my life, my very first step… toward my independence.
Or so I thought.
*
The sound of a bell brought me back, face to face, with the gravity of the situation I was in. I almost choked on a sudden, overwhelming fear as the receptionist signalled that I was the one. I needed some more time to regulate my nervous tic. I looked at her hopefully, as if my respite came from her. But without so much as a little assuring smile, she pointed across to the big white door. Suddenly I felt bared, being everyone’s centre of attention now. I distinctly felt the piercing black eyes of that enormous Sambar Deer staring intently at me from above. I suppressed a strong urge building inside me to turn and meet its gaze.
Fumbling with my file, I took a few steadying breaths and mustered enough courage to get up. My legs felt weak as I reached for the door. I timidly turned the near-perfect, polished brass doorknob from the days of Raj and sought permission to step in.
“Right in!” A deep, curt voice called me in. Besides, just a nod to my salutation, “Sit down, please,” was the next thing I heard. I did so urgently now, my entire body sweating profusely.
“Well!” What have you applied for? Eyes scanning my application, the voice boomed.
“For a job, sir!” I blurt out. The gentleman across the huge rosewood desk smiled. My candidature became evident to him. The mist lifted, and his upper torso came into my hazy focus. He definitely looked impressive and somehow gentle.
“I know that,” he said in a much softer tone.
“Your application says so, but what kind of job you never mentioned?” he placed my application under the pile of files and inquired.
“Any job, sir.” I instantly felt stupid for saying that.
The smile widened as he enquired further. “What can you do?”
“I don’t know, sir,” I surpassed my previous inanity with an impressive margin. Why did I have to respond so quickly? I failed to understand. I wish I had given him an intelligent answer. The silence from across the table raised the red flag straight up and high. I knew I was done now, but I was too numb to feel the consequences just yet. My head dropped, my heart sank, and with it went my dreams.
*
Well! The interview that day did not last long. If I must tell you. For I had nothing to give or say, and he sure had nothing much to learn from me. Obviously, the gentleman across the massive rosewood desk had no time to waste on me anymore.
Eternal silence suspended between us suddenly broke with, “You are on!” Those three words that day really threw me off the board. “Join us tomorrow, nine a.m. sharp. Get the details when you arrive at the reception,” he said in one breath, settling his papers on his table as a concluding gesture.
I got the cue and got up, thanking him as I walked out. I entered the waiting lounge to find other applicants staring at me expectantly, trying to decipher the outcome of my interview on my face. At the reception desk, I reconfirmed my details. All this while taking care not to meet anyone’s gaze, but somehow, I could not help stealing a glance at the trophy head of that handsome Sambar Deer looking straight down at me. I threw a fleeting glance at it. Taken aback! I thought I caught a twinkle in its large, beautiful black eyes. Or perhaps it was just the bright morning light reflecting happily after all.
That day, I had not walked out of that office but had walked right into a maelstrom. The vicious spiral of an ever-engulfing quest for survival.
The days of my independence were finally over…
***
I sat in the same office with a pile of job applications, the buzzer waiting to be pressed, and the first interviewee to enter. I wonder how many of them were looking for the same independence I looked for that autumn morning a long time ago. I stretched back on my leather swivel and closed my eyes for a brief moment. I searched for the independence my heart still yearned for. But I guess I had surrendered it with the sound of the buzzer I reached out to press today.